The Magical Art of Essay Writing

Why are we so obsessed with Marie Kondo? She has a bestselling book which couples routinely buy for each other, a television show,  merchandise, and her name has even become a verb. have you Kondoed… More

Failure To Launch

Gotta go out to get out.

I Cried

I didn’t cry. But I felt like it. I am hoping the title would draw you in, dear reader, out of sympathy for my cause.  Also, the title of my last post, in which I… More

I Lied

Last post, I went on and on about whether or not I should keep this expensive planner that I’d bought. By the end of that post, I concluded that I should just keep the darn thing and start using it. Well, dear reader, while you weren’t looking, I changed my mind, put the expensive planner in a reused Amazon bubble envelope to protect it, put that in my ‘things to return’ bag, and returned it over the weekend.  

Instead, I decided to use this free, printable planner that I found online. I know, there are several disadvantages to something that is not already in book form, but I won’t go into that here.  I will, however, provide you with the link to the planner I am *planning* on using, and explain why. It’s not necessarily the price that made me  do it.  And the disadvantage of this new planner is that it doesn’t have a daily or weekly reflection built in, so you if you want to assess your progress, you need to build that in yourself.  However, I like that this one…. you know what?  I don’t remember anymore.  Sorry, dear reader. I already returned the old one and I can’t refer back to it to see how I made the decision.

Once I printed off all the different pages of this planner– it has yearly, quarterly, monthly, and daily sections– I started reformatting it to so that I can try and squeeze it in to more portable proportions, in case I want to take it with me.  I also made multiples of some of the pages so that I can begin filling in, for example, the next couple of months at the same time. 

Oh yes, this is one of the advantages of the new planner. I like that I can move pages around so that I can compare and copy.  For example, as I mentioned above, I want to work on laying out events on a monthly basis as opposed to a weekly basis, because that enables me to schedule a certain number of days for a task or a project more realistically. Trying to commit to doing something on the same day every week is, as I am realizing after over a decade of trying, is not a realistic proposal because there are all sorts of interruptions such as school holidays, family events, celebrations, ceremonies, etc which float around on a calendar without regard for what I expect will happen on Tuesdays. Because this planner has a space on each page for you to copy out and remind you of your larger goals, it’s also handy to be able to quickly access the long-term pages that you fill out less frequently such as the annual or quarterly pages.

That’s the end of this post, however I will leave you a little teaser: The new, printable planner almost brought me to tears.  More on that soon. 

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Planning to Commit / Committing to Plan

You’re committing whether you want to or not.

It all began with a planner. Actually, it all began with a comedy podcaster I stumbled onto on Instagram who was really into his planning system. He used a combination of Kanaban, which is whiteboard-based, and a product called the Productivity Planner.

The Productivity Planner is a paper product– a hardbound, solemn looking book — that purports, like so many others, to be the one product that will finally get your life in check. I don’t remember what it was, exactly, that piqued my interest in this particular planner. I get tons of ads for planners, especially since Instagram’s algorithm has me pegged as an ADHD-er (hey, we’re a niche now!).  I see tons of accounts that promote different productivity systems, so why was I attuned to this particular one? Maybe it was something in the Instagrammer’s presentation or explanation that I related to. Maybe it was because his niche had nothing to do with ADHD or organization or productivity, and he just happened to love this product enough to promote it, without compensation, to his followers. What I do know is that the Productivity Planner is now sitting on my desk, giving me guilt, blank except for the words printed in it by the publisher.

I am no longer tempted by over-the-top assurances or the distant twinkling fairy lights of too-good-to-be-true success stories. Is anyone still taken in by advertising in this age? Can any one project change your life, or even your habits? We all know it’s not about the tools alone, but about how you use them. Yet, I risked $40 on what might become yet another promising yet failed product purchase that will haunt me and taunt me until I decide that it doesn’t spark joy and I hand it off to someone else (a years-long process, btw.)

I am afraid to open this thing and crease the spine in case I want to return it. I did, gently, read the intro and the instructions, and it seems like a pretty straightforward formula; List, Prioritize, Assess (the Assess part is the quirk this particular planner is marketed on). Benefiting from any planner or organizational program will requires consistency and commitment. The Catch-22 is that commitment is one of the issues I struggle with as an ADHD-er, and something that I hope a planner will be able to help me work through. Do you see the conundrum here?

I figured out long ago what will enable me to commit. It’s accountability. That’s another Catch-22 in this scenario, perhaps one of many: I need to find someone to hold me accountable (a boss, a client, a partner etc.), so that I can commit to a task but in order to reach the stage where I have accountability in place, I need to get organized, ostensibly by using a productivity planner. 

All the logical circling led me to commit to one thing only: Write a single blog post about the planner in order to help sort through whether I should keep it or not.  If I use it correctly, and it helps me meet some goals, it will be well worth the $40.

One of the benefits of the Productivity Planner is that it’s a physical object.  I learned that trying to use a smartphone app for productivity requires me to swim upstream through a dozen or more distractions. Very often- – I would say even a majority of the time–  I never even make it to the app I am trying to reach. So, the printer, or a notebook are better friends to me. I still use the calendar on my phone (fodder for a great blog post because of how many times that has failed and how you can’t always trust technology), and I do keep a do-to-list app, but that’s mostly just a backup.  I have started marking kid’s lunch schedules, homework assignments, and appointments on a paper calendar, and I actually print out the e-mailed flyers which I think are relevant, and pin them up in the kitchen where I can see them and refer to them quickly without having to lose myself trying to find the same information on my phone. 

Another benefit is that it’s a system. The notebook I’m using now is ok for daily to-do lists, but it doesn’t help me to think long term, and it doesn’t have a built-in way for me to check in on where I’m at.  This planner is probably more or less on par with the systems that other planners use, and what I’m doing right now hasn’t launched me into an orbit of success, so why not try something new?

On the other hand, it’s all too easy for an ADHD-er to collect organizational strategies like they were Pokémon cards.  Diaries, journals, apps, planners, calendars, whiteboards, corkboards; these are the hallmarks of a motivated and persistent ADHD-er. Changing strategy doesn’t necessarily mean that an old strategy didn’t have value. Someone might use a number of different strategies simultaneously as part of a larger organizational plan, or they might outgrow or modify a plan.  Sometimes, they might take a risk on a plan only to find out that it’s not a good fit.  Of course, that’s what I’m afraid of here.

Given my history, I would say that there is a 40% chance that the Productivity Planner will become a regular, sustainable habit. If I succeed in using the planner on a regular basis (i.e. 3-5 times per week for six months) then I estimate a 40% chance of it having a noticeable benefit in the short term (up to 6 months) a 60% chance of it having a noticeable benefit in the longer term,  (6 – 12 months) and a pretty high chance – say, 70% –of benefiting me in some way over my lifetime, because by that point it’s reasonable to expect that I will have developed some ingrained habits. Those are not bad odds. Of course, my good habits have a ripple effect on my family and even on their long-term chances of success.  I’m not going to try and put a number to it but, in theory, the benefits are exponential.

Also given my history, and given my prediction that there is a 60% chance right off the top that this planner will fall by the wayside, it might appear that it’s better to return it to the bookstore ASAP.  However, I don’t think that the long-term negative effects are negligible, if they exist at all. I can handle having this thing frown at me while I ignore it. I’ve handled meaner inanimate objects before.

All things considered, now that I’ve taken the time to consider them, I think I’m ready to take on the Productivity Planner.  Even factoring in the potential financial loss if the book doesn’t get used, the potential for success is so great that it seems worth the risk. Heck, I might even be able to sell it if it’s not too far gone, though that’s not a likely scenario.

Here’s the other thing. Fretting about whether or not my success will be affected by this planner is a decision in and of itself because it means I’m deciding to delay progress.  Deciding not to use it is a decision to stay where I currently am until something better comes up.  Whether I’m being active or passive about it, a decision is being made, so I might as well be decisive.  So here it is: Based on everything I’ve talked about here, I’m feeling optimistic.  Let’s do this.  Productivity Planner, here I come.

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Be Yourself… Later

If I could give advice to young people (and as a mom, I frequently do), I would tell them to just be themselves. Own It. Make It Fashion. You Do You.

Sometimes, however, if your You is kind of overwhelming (I’m looking at you, ADHDer) and is prone to overloading people with information, which may or may not scare them off, or if you simply do not know them well enough to fill your correspondence to them with witty observations and hilarious digressions, then maybe just be yourself… a little later down the road. Give your new person a chance to know that you’re not that scary or completely off your rocker. Don’t corner people with your enormous personality all at once. Just rope them in slowly. Give them a chance to get used to you. And then you can unleash the fire hose that is your personality. Surprised and soaking, your new person will love you for it.

How To Darn Socks

How To Darn Socks: ADHD Style

A Step-By-Step Guide

Ooh baby

You Will Need:

• a calendar
• yarn or string or thread or like that (personally I prefer a colour that contrasts with the sock because it’s cute and bright and everyone will know what a good sock darner I am and I will not regret my choice when I forget what socks I’m wearing under my boots and we end up at my in-laws for Sunday night dinner.) (Who am I kidding? They know me.) (Also: Pandemic Lockdown.)
• a crochet hook
• a knitting needle
• a sewing needle with a big eye
• or your kid’s plastic craft needle from when they did Rainbow Loom
• you can also use the Rainbow Loom hook tool if you can find it.
• … I think. I haven’t tried the Rainbow Loom hook tool for this project but in my imagination I can make it work.

Steps:

Wait. More You Will Need:

• Socks with holes
• New socks

Steps:

1. Open your calendar. Select the most busiest upcoming day that you can find. If today is that day, and it probably is, because you are ADHD and reading a satirical sock darning post, then drop everything (I know, you already did) and gather the materials.  If you ever make it back here with all the materials after stopping to throw in a load of laundry, straighten the bookshelf, and making an epic sandwich—which you had to restart twice because you got distracted by cleaning out the crumbs in the cutlery drawer, continue to Step 2.
2. Thread your needle or your crochet hook or whatever (can you thread a knitting needle? I don’t know. I don’t knit) and darn the sock in whatever way you see fit. Show everyone what you did. But not your boss. Your boss will not appreciate your craft. Ignore the fact that the darned areas are bulky and uncomfortable. Tell yourself that they will wear down and, over time, feel much more natural.
3. (You Will also Need: an internet connection and a computer to use it on—I forgot to mention.) Google ‘how to darn socks.’ Watch a bunch of these videos or read through the tutorials. I’m more of a written step-by-step kind of gal myself because videos are so distracting and also, they send me down the YouTube rabbit hole and I always end up watching Glee perform that Meatloaf song by the dashboard lights. I know my limitations and so I stick to the step-by-steps. Also my boss (ok my kids who are supposed to be in their Zoom classes. I don’t have a boss.)  can hear the video.
4. See where you went wrong with your first try at darning. But also realize that your way has great merit because it got done, didn’t it? If you had to do it their way with all those materials and all that time, you would just never get around to it, right?
5. Notice the time. Panic. Tell yourself this will be the last tutorial for now and that you’ll stay up late to finish your work if you have to.
6. Try darning a second sock based on the information you learned in the tutorials, ignoring at least 85% of their recommendations. Eg. Instead of risking distraction (know thyself!) by going to get a tennis ball from the garage or a lightbulb from the basement, grab the next best thing—a roll of packing tape that’s already sitting on your desk from your Amazon return last week.  Realize that the online method of sock darning is inferior to your ad-hoc method.
7. Receive flash of inspiration about how your method (which did work, after all) and their method (which worked for them) can be COMBINED to revolutionize the sock darning… industry? To revolutionize sock darning! After hundreds of years of people darning socks out of necessity, YOU have come up with a superior approach to what has now become clickbait for hobby-crafty-types with excess time and art supplies clogging up their basements. 
8. Daydream about the tutorial you’re going to write and about how your sock darning method will become the new gold standard. Your method of sock darning is so fresh, so of-the-moment that darned socks will become trendy. Your post will go viral. You will
9. Hey it’s snowing!
10. Practice the new-and-improved combination method of darning on another sock. (Note: You Will Need 3 socks, minimum, for this project) Realize that this project is getting a bit tiresome and anyway, you never wear socks unless you go out of the house, which rarely happens now because of the pandemic. You enjoy the sensory stimulation of bare feet on textured surfaces. This is an ADHD trait. Socks, to you, are what pants are to other homebound/locked down people: Finding the opportunity or the will to wear them is a point of pride. Did you know you can actually wear Ugg style boots through the winter—even the fake ones—without socks? Though you’re better off with socks if you want to promote the longevity of your boots. Also Ugg boots are not compatible with rain or snow so there are limited opportunities to wear them out of the house.
11. Cast aside the sock you’re working on to write a blog post about it.  After all, this is the post that is going to finally launch your writing career.

Living The Dream

Some people dream of getting away from it all, recharging their batteries at a luxe spa, booking facials and massages to with their closest friends, maybe hanging out by the pool or on a beach and sipping beverages that loosen muscles relieve inhibitions. If this sounds clichéd, it’s because I have no personal experience with such activities, so clichés are the closest I can get to relating them. Besides, I am not partial to beaches, and if there’s a pool around, I’d rather be in it than perched lazily around the edge.

Some people dream of a cabin in the woods: Fresh air, birds chirping, warming up by a log fire after a long hike with the family. Still a cliché, but I’ve been there, lived that, and while it’s more up my alley than Scene 1, it is still not the fulfillment of the fantasy I’ve been harbouring for years.

Right now, I have my feet up with my laptop in my lap like God intended. My past three meals have consisted of and assortment of southeast-Asian themed microwavable packets (spicy Thai noodles, palak paneer, chana masala). A free breakfast of stale supermarket muffins and granola bars awaited me this morning and I washed it all down with mystery coffee.  Would they be serving the industrial grade brew or the weak transparent stuff today?  The anticipation only added to my enjoyment. 

School pickup time came and went yesterday. Also dinner and bedtime came and went. This morning I didn’t have to defer my motivation to manage drop-off and emptying the dishwasher.  I did not have to break concentration or interrupt my flow. I did not have to promise myself to get back to where I left off and then forget entirely what I was doing. Even better, I did not finally get back to what I was doing, only to find myself too mentally or physically exhausted to resume whatever activity I’d been so engaged in earlier, or to channel the inspiration that I’d been floating on hours before. I won’t have to recall the plan of action or get distracted searching for the materials I’d been referencing online and then be disappointed in myself for going to bed too late after wasting hours stuffing my face and my mind with junk.

My upgraded hotel room comes with some perks– a window that opens a whopping three inches, allowing the stale three-point-five-star air to mingle with the freezing temperatures outside. This morning I discovered that the other window has the same feature! It’s a windfall! (More of a breeze than a wind but still…) There is a fireplace that I control with a switch, though it tends to overheat quickly, after which it becomes a weak but enormous nightlight. That’s ok because the  wall heater is happily compensating at 85F. There is a couch, two armchairs (one of which was pulled up to the fireplace and subsequently abandoned for warmer zones) a desk, and TWO TVs, which I will probably not watch because that’s not why I’m here, and that’s one kind of self-control I do, somehow, possess. *[i]

Folks, I’m living the dream.

For so long I have wanted the opportunity to write the way I used to back in university. Find the groove and ride it until you can’t keep your eyes open. Then crash for a short while, wake up, and go right back to it. Sure, this scenario usually played out in the hours before a huge deadline, but that’s what I’m trying to simulate here. I have this very short period to get those juices flowing and get my writing on.

Living the dream can be hard, I’m finding. First of all, it’s a huge challenge to really leave the ‘life at home’ duties at home, even sans kids and kid schedules, because there are still e-mails to be e-mailed in a timely manner and responses to respond to. Here, like at home, there are niggling things that need to get done eventually, and some sooner rather than later and some that are later but your ADHD mind JUST WON’T LET THEM GO. (I’m looking at you, outsized photo book project! No, literally I’m looking at it in another window in between paragraphs. Ok in between sentences… between words in sentences.)

A Metaphor Or Two (Or Three)

There is so much I want to accomplish during my short stay at the hotel, and it’s important that I ease my way into a focused the state of mind. I calculate that in my disturbance-free zone, I will be able to find the groove sooner or later. When you’re in the zone, those other distractions darken and fade in to the periphery, even taking on the sheen of undesirability. You’re entirely invested in what’s in front of you. It’s as if you’ve hit the ‘click to enlarge’ button on the screen through which you see your life, and you can engage fully with just one thing instead of fighting off all the other attention-grabbing agenda items that are trying to make their way in to the picture.  You can change focus when you’re in the zone, but it’s by choice, not by accident.   

I’ll use another internet metaphor to distinguish hyperfocus – which is, I guess, the technical name for the zone / the flow / the groove/ the wind beneath my wings– from my regular state of mind. Imagine you’re looking at a product online for which there are multiple colour variations to choose from, each displayed in its own tiny thumbnail image under the listing. If you hover your pointer over any one of the little tiles, a larger version of it pops up, only to be immediately replaced with it’s neighboring image if you move your mouse ever so slightly in any direction. 

Aha! Here’s the blanket hoodie in pink! Here it is in navy blue! Here’s one with white stars… and ooh, there’s a tie-dye one that I know Dora will love.

In this way, can consume images so quickly this way that it’s almost as if you’re engaging with them all simultaneously. All the variations are constantly lying in wait, preying on your weak focus by calling out their wares. I’m so cute and bright! I match your leggings! I’m a neutral shade; take me anywhere!

Then there are the links, the ads, the calls to action, and sub links. There are recommendations and things that I viewed recently and would I like to view them again?  It can get to be pretty overwhelming,

In the product gallery of my mind jolts of recall and sparks of inspiration take the place of visual imagery: Must submit this application, must remember to send gift, must make to – do list, must check to-do list, must do item one on to-do list but that requires using my phone and what’s this? A notification! A new e-mail! I must respond! I will flag it for later. What else needs flagging?  Every exclamation mark is a tiny hit of dopamine. It’s like trying to order off eleven different restaurant menus with twelve different cuisines at the same time.  But I digress.**[ii]  That’s a different metaphor for a different time.

Hyping Up Hyperfocus

Let’s return (assuming you took the time to follow the asterisks and read the footnote after the last paragraph) from that frenzied departure back to my dream about the hotel room and the blessed circumstance in which I presently find myself. Back to how it’s hard to ***[iii] find that focus.

There is an expectation that in the 45 hours for which I have reserved this room, I should get, say, 30 good hours of flow. That’s accounting for check-in issues, sleep, hygiene (not accounting for food because I eat while I work). I have a friend who, if she has two spare hours, will get one hour and fifty-eight minutes of productivity out of it. That is an exceptionally high time to productivity ratio, I think, and she’s pretty consistent about it. My personal productivity ratio depends on the ease or desirability of the task, on the variety of tasks I need to get through and the amount and type of transitioning required between them, on the urgency and deadlines, and on arbitrary things like whether I’m feeling inspired, which really, I guess, circles back to desirability to a large extent. There are external pressures and things like shame and guilt which come in to play. For example, I don’t want to be the only parent to forget to contribute to the teacher holiday gift fund. Then there are circumstantial elements such as personal stress levels unrelated to the task, sheer number of things to do, things I’m behind on, projects I want to get a start on, long term and short-term goals, and whether or not I’m operating under the influence of (prescription. Only prescription) pharmaceuticals. There list goes on. There are a lot of different factors at play here. 

Since we (yes, we. You, the reader, and me, the writer) are enjoying metaphors today, let’s illustrate the way that focus– or at least the way my focus– functions. Imagine a car. Imagine the temperature gage on the dashboard. Also, this metaphor only works if you imagine you’re in a cold climate and in the winter season. Any Canadian driver worth their weight in ThermaLoft (or in duck down if you’re fancy) knows that when you start your car and the temperature is below freezing, you need to wait (and wait) until the needle on the temperature gage climbs a certain distance from the big C (indicating Cold) before you can drive. This is the time you use to scrape off your windshield and shovel the driveway; you know, the fun stuff. This activity is known as ‘Warming Up the Car.’ It’s like foreplay but for engine oil.  You can’t drive if you don’t do it.  You’ll have to break out the sled dogs. 

You can probably see where I am going with this metaphor: Just like a car needs to warm up before you can put it on the road, so do I (we? ADHDers? Humans in general?) need to warm up my (our?) focus before it can be used effectively. Sometimes, warming up looks the same as being distracted. I warm up by reading articles and playing games.  Sometimes, depending on the weather (i.e. the factors mentioned above) warming up can take a while. Sometimes it’s quick. Sometimes, if you’ve been using the engine consistently, you can just hop in and go without all the waiting around.  It just depends. 

Hyperfocus is the safe zone on the temperature gauge, where the needle points anywhere from 45 to about 85 degrees.  The zone where, if your dad comes out and takes a look at your dashboard, he’ll give your hood a couple of gentle smacks and say ‘you’re good to go now, son.’ This is the range where you want to be. The ideal temperature for your focus.  It’s the phase where you get stuff done, and do it well.

If you’re from a hot climate, you’ll be more familiar with keeping an eye on the other end of the temperature gauge. If your needle gets too close to the  red H then you’re still hyperfocusing, but your executive function and ability to prioritize have gone out the window.  You’re most likely wasting time, or just not using it as efficiently as you should be.

For example, last week I decided it was time to learn the basics of Sketchup, a 3D modelling program.  It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for months, and I’ve been working on some projects right now where Sketchup would make the whole process more efficient.  So yes, it was time well spent, but would that time have been better spent, say, sleeping? At 3am, who can tell? 

I also took a long time working on that photo book with the excruciatingly slow layout software. Each page is so frustrating and  and each picture placement so agonizing, but I was determined to get it done so that I can say goodbye to that company and their Vouchers of Temptation forever. Yes, there was some urgency because of a deadline associated with said Voucher but, again, what is worth more? $25 or eight hours of sleep?  Prioritization. Executive function. Sleep. These are three leitmotifs of ADHD, and the wrong kind of hyperfocus can trip you up on all these and more. 

I’m sure you’re wondering about the zone on the temperature gage where the needle is JUST above the freezing mark but not quite high enough to get you going.  That’s for the times when you are ready to go with your task, the material and your to-do lists are waiting for you, but the phone keeps ringing and the door keeps knocking and people keep asking for snacks.  It’s the zone I inhabit a lot of the time, which bring us back to the hotel. 

It’s warm here! Metaphorically and literally speaking, this is a good place.  But the engine of my WritingEditingMobile (shaped like a pencil with a fat eraser) hasn’t been turned on in a very long time. Oh, I know I can get it moving again because I’ve been storing stuff in here for months (years? Haven’t posted in a LOOONG time) and the light goes on every time I open the door. But I needed a boost. It took me until this morning to really get moving. Was that a whole day (well, from 3pm checkout until 2am when I finally finished the farshtinken photo book) of productivity lost? Debatable. I anticipated needing a warm up period. I guess that’s what I got.  It took a long time to clear away the accumulated ice and snow.   But 25 hours and 3970 words later, I’d say I’m facing only moderate weather conditions for the remainder of this trip. 

So bring on the natty carpet! Hello outdated glass brickwork! Welcome to nothing and to nobody, by which I mean peace, quiet, and focus.

Let the dreams begin!

---

Warning: These footnotes contain ‘stream of consciousness’ and are not intended for judgemental or persnickety readers.

[i][i][i] *Unfortunately, it seems that I am not able to control my use of parentheses.**** A sure symptom of ADHD.

[ii] **Adding a little digression here with some intent: I could edit out all of the mind-drifting, stream of consciousness style of writing, but I choose to leave it in (with some editing for style if not content) because part of my goal here is for people to get inside the life and mind of a person with ADHD. For example, in the course of writing this short paragraph, I have had ideas for three different blog posts:

1. BUT I DIGRESS: A blog post about how I choose to leave the digression in my writing just for this blog, of course, and not for Real Life writing.  I would pin that blog post to the top of the blog blog blog say blog some more as kind of a disclaimer or user guide for this site.
2. Now I forget the other two. That’s because I was trying to write this list out in full sentences for the benefit of the reader and didn’t do my usual jot notes. Lately I’ve been e-mailing myself blog topics with the subject line BLOG. ‘Lately’ meaning for the last three years. Also around the time I last posted. Ok one of the
3. Voice Texts (this is not one of the original three blog post ideas I mentioned above. This is a fourth blog. Just FYI because I’m that full of ideas. Is everyone? Is this normal?)
4. Oh yeah, one of the original three was about figuring out where the line is between ADHD and just regular old neurotypical whoopsies because there are always going to be naysayers who (nay)say: ‘Well, I also waste time/forget things/have too much to do and things piling up/unfinished projects’ Which makes me doubt the legitimacy of my experiences, even though I have a lifetime of these experiences and they have… some. Not to brag. It’s (partially) why I’m underemployed and constantly disappointed in myself. The naysayers need to find their own excuses for messing up their sorry lives and stop stepping on mine.  Ok enough blog ideas. Let’s go back to where we left of in the body of the blog (THE BODY OF THE BLOG BWAHAHAHAHA)
5. Oh yes, one of the original three blog ideas that I was going to put on this list was the one in the Body of the Blog (bwahaha), so not really a new one for this section. It’s the blog about metaphors that explain the inner workings of the ADHD mind. Wouldn’t that be a great survey to send out? I think I will do that. Can I make a survey in WordPress? Probably another overcomplicated WP extension. Ok. Getting more coffee and coming back to the original blog post. By the way, in  reference to the earlier part of this blog regarding coffee, the lobby coffee was the piss water kind, but I filled up my thermos anyway. The coffee machine in the room makes better coffee. Pretty decent coffee, actually.
6. Before I get up and get my coffee… just thought of a post and then lost it. Still NOT one of the original three, just saying, … shoot what was it????? BTW I do regard this kind of writing as a type of flow. I am enjoying myself and it is flowing, and I can probably transition to the main focus if I want. …. AHA before forget, the one I forgot just now is a reflection of my ADHD experience compared to other people’s experiences of ADHD. For example, on an ADHD support group online meeting last night, which was not helpful in  the way I had hoped it would be but I (ok that’s ANOTHER post) (maybe these are just boring ideas and should just stay hidden inside my mind anyway and not on the page. My husband can’t understand who would want to read stories like this. Well, I do). So a post on how people experience ADHD differently, but internally. For example: Some people really can’t get it together and are obviously card-carrying ADHDers, but with other people, I want to spring in to Naysayer mode and (nay)say “You think THAT is ADD? Now THIS (me) is ADD!) Also compare how some people self medicate, and reflect on whether or not I actually self-medicate.  (I think no, not normally.)
7. A post on early recollections of ADHD experiences before I understood that it was a thing. (I no longer remember if this was part of my original three blog post ideas that I wanted to jot down for you.) And when did I know it was a thing? Maybe high school. I think high school. Though we always knew the hyper kids were somehow different. Life is harder for the hyper.
8. Life is harder for the hyper.
9. I thought I was done here but hey, when the water is flowing, fill up your bucket OOHHH a post on how … oh actually that’s kind of already part of this post. The main part, not the footnotes.  (GEEZ it’s good I can type fast because the flow of words has arrived.) A post on how you don’t always have a bucket (i.e. focus) available when the time is available. Yeah, I guess that’s kind of already part of this post.
10. I returned to this list after going up to the original post above and finding my place and then being inspired to add another item to this list about an asterisk and then having the idea for item number 9 (above) about the bucket. The asterisk is really… what’s the word… fundamental? no… opposite of useless…. thesaurus… indispensable? part of the life of an ADHD-er? Or jsut an ADHD writer? or all? Discuss. Now coffee. Then back to post.
11. Things I thought about while getting coffee, maybe can be blog posts. What is this is not an ADHD blog, but just a blog about focus? (Getting back to the Naysayer theme). I mean, I’m aiming for something of a niche topic here, but if ADHDoubters (aka Naysayers) are right (remember, I have yet to disprove them in a blog post… or have I? I’ll have to check my old post entitled Naysayers—or is that a chapter in my book? It’s been SO LONG.) then this blog in general, and definitely this post in particular is broader than I had intended it to be. Also remember that book? The one that’s a cult classic and 1000 pages long and the author died young? It was his only book…  Impossible Journey? Infinite Jest. I tried reading it but could not get through it. So dense! So unreadable! Is that what this book is going to be (DFW fans laughing right now saying ‘Ha! You WISH!) Yes, the end goal for all this writing is a book. That’s the goal. But one that’s readable and relatable and also I don’t want to die young. Who needs that kind of notoriety? Nobody. No offense, DFW. Rest in peace.
12. Thinking of asking people to send me questions that I can answer (in style of humorous Dear Abby) and get me doing a weekly post.  
13. I don’t want people to think that I am a complete slave to my ADHD. I do my best to control it, though it’s really harder than you might imagine. Think of a hunger or an addiction. Not sure if it’s these same brain functions at play, but when I need to focus on something, it’s almost like I get hungry… for something else.  Like a strong craving, just not usually for whatever I set out to do. Good focus = hunger / craving for the thing I AM supposed to be doing. And we’re back to metaphors. I’m going to abandon this list now. For real. Watch meee.  (UPDATE ON THIS FOOTNOTE: I put all the other blog post ideas that I had during the writing of this post in an e-mail to myself. I am keeping this list here at the bottom of this post because I feel the need, for some reason, for people to really get what ADHD thinking looks like. This is what it looks like. More or less.)

[iii] ***I took about 30 minutes between the first and the last part of that sentence write a series of digressions which started off as a footnote at the bottom of this post (Ed. Note: See numbered list above). That means the flow is on! But Can I channel the flow to be not just for writing but also for compiling and editing? Let’s find out. P.S. Digression #13 was written after this paragraph was written.

**** Also have a hard time keeping a handle on my asterisks. Usually when I write, I put the digression in just to indulge myself and to see if there’s anything valuable in it later on when I’m editing. In this post, however, I decided to just keep them in for demonstration purposes.

I had to finish writing this blog post on Word (as opposed to online on WordPress) so that I could edit it properly with footnotes (which I will convert back to asterisks when I post it online) so that I can manage my digressions because they were getting out of hand.  I opened the tap here at the hotel and MAN is it all spilling out. I need an extra couple of days to put this all together. 

Simple Goals

My goal for this blog post is simply to write it and publish it.

I could end it here

but I won’t.

My last post was over a year and a half ago! Eeek! I feel very rusty– not just with regards to writing, but also in terms of the bigger picture; generating ideas which, when I’m writing regularly, flow through me faster than I can catch and hold them; finishing my book (that’s the big project I’ve been hinting at for a while– or at least that’s one of the big projects); personal development in general.

There are regular periods in the year where my personal work, as opposed to the work I do formally and informally for my family, gets put on hold. This is mostly centred around holidays and school vacations. It’s a cycle. Throw in the odd sick day or case of head lice, and you’re starting with a pretty limited schedule.

Last year, however, in the Year (and a half) of No Posts was the year that my status as a member of the Sandwich Generation came fully into itself. I had to organize housing for my mother– and in the meantime she was living with me for four moths. Then I had to empty out her house and get her settled in a new place, while trying to cover expenses by running an AirBNB out of her old place until we were ready to let it go.  It was a full time occupation. Then came Summer break.

It took me a while to get organized and figure out a way to make a day for myself each week. Baby steps.  Now here I am,  back at my ‘writing studio’ which is really an art school my friend runs.  One step I took a year and a half ago or more was accepting her offer of a key to this place.  I had never wanted the responsibility of having one, but at the same time, I lost a lot of ‘me hours’ trying to coordinate a key pickup with her each time I needed to get in. Thank God for the generosity of friends.

Of course, since I had the key made I’ve only used it twice– once was to drop off two armchairs here at the studio for storage, with my friend’s permission, until I could figure out how to use them in my house. A few months later I let myself in to the studio again to pick up the same chairs. No writing involved. No work, no planning.

I feel very off-track.  I can’t remember where I left off. I’m impressed I found the motivation to come back, considering how many projects I’ve abandoned over the years. I guess this is the real me. The thing I’m most passionate about. Though you wouldn’t know it from reading this blog post.  I’m trying to warm up my brain, get organized, pick up the pieces I dropped, if they’re still hanging around, or put together a new system if I can’t restart the old one. Easing back in to the schedule that works for me. Organizing myself. Reading back.

Have I said enough?

 

 

1000 Words

The featured image on this post really captures the essence of my quest. I am the person on the left.  I want to become, or have access to becoming, the person on the right.  I like my thoughts, I like my ideas. I just need to make them usable.

Interestingly, I am a skilled yarn detangler. It’s something I started doing when I was a kid. I’d sit there with a ball of yarn that was masquerading as a tumbleweed and (in retrospect) hyperfocus on undoing all the knots until it looked like something out of a hair conditioner commercial. Smooth, no strand out of place. Can you imagine a kid doing that today’s digital environment?  I can’t. My kids get nervous just sorting out their own clothes from the clean laundry pile.

I also once heard that if you want to ‘test’ a woman to see if she’s good wife material, you should give her a ball of yarn to detangle and see what she makes of it. I say that, clearly, this test does not work, as I probably rank about 60% to 70% as a wife, depending on the day (I’ll have to consult with DH on this one) but I’m somewhere above 95% when it comes to detangling yarn. Take THAT, misogyny. That being said, I do see some merit in the test– I mean, think of all the ways a person might react to this challenge. Detangling it shows infinite patience (for inanimate objects, anyway) and economy.  Chucking it out and buying a new one shows either impatience or a different kind of economy altogether– time is money after all.

You know what? I take it back. You cant’ tell anything from the yarn test.

(I would love to give credit for this image to whoever created it but I can’t find the source. I originally spotted this on an Instagram feed, but the person who posted it didn’t know where it came from and a google image search didn’t turn up anything either. If you recognize this picture and know who drew it, please tell me so I can credit them!)

(I also don’t remember the source of the yarn test theory, though I’m not sure it deserves to be credited. )

Career Goals

I’ve been producing a lot of heavy posts lately, so I thought I’d interject here with a short, light review of all the careers I have considered (and some I have embarked on) in the last few years. The ones marked with an asterisk are those that I can see myself still accomplishing. The ones marked with at whatsitcalled (~) indicate a job that I am already doing.   😦 is for stuff that I don’t particularly enjoy.  Any combination of indicators may be used for each career.

*T.V. sitcom writer

*Stand-up comic

*~Freelance writer

*~University application consultant

*Mechanic

*~Graphic Designer

*~Web designer

*Social media mogul

*Social media star

*Home reno and decor blogger

*Interior designer

*Star of screen and stage

*Supporting role on screen or stage

*Bit parts on screen or stage

*Day trader

*Intern for housewares company

*Advertising exec

*Medical cannabis review website owner

*Distributor of wide-plank furniture

*~Honey production and distribution manager

*Bookkeeper  😦

*~Medical report writer

*~Homemade cosmetics

*Online retailer of vintage paraphernalia

*Found or secondhand furniture restoration and sale

*Hairstylist for little girls

*Teacher gift buyer and distributor

*Teacher

*Young adult fiction writer

*Children’s book author and illustrator

*Cookbook author (I know I don’t like cooking, but that’s what will make my cookbook so appealing!)

*Author of ADD book

*Empathy educator

….and that is not all, folks.  These are just some of the things that have done, am doing, plan on doing, or hope to do.  I’m sure I will remember some more very soon.  All of these aspirations are TRUE. No joke, I seriously consider all of these options from time to time. Some career paths I’ve given up on are:

• Academia (because there are no jobs out there and I can’t be bothered with the politics that goes with it)
• Journalist (just not something I’m interested in anymore.)
• Park ranger – but I would encourage my kids to do this in their young-adulthood
• Child prodigy.

Neither of these lists include things I intend to do for leisure or hobby or just plain life maintenance. Things like hanging up all the art we took down from the walls when we painted house, and things like crocheting a Santa hat for my neighbor’s new baby. Things like putting together a photo album from our trip this summer. Things like that.

You know how people with ADD tend to lose focus easily? Well, that’s one of the reasons for the extensiveness of the list. We also have a hard time prioritizing, which makes it worse. Finally, we’re a very optimistic group of people. Some ADD-ers express this optimism in terms of risk—they do extreme sports or drive very fast. My version of it is to imagine myself as being good at many things.

Rationally speaking, I believe that I am capable of doing anything on that list. I think I really would be good at most of those things, if not all of them. I know I am a good actress, because I stole the show in community theatre.  I know I am good at writing and teaching because of feedback I’ve received throughout my life.  While the possibility exists that I can accomplish ALL of these things, realistically I know that I will probably never become a mechanic, and I might not get to star on screen AND stage.  I can, however, picture myself successfully taking on multiple careers—many of them listed here overlap anyway. I see it as kind of a one-man band of jobs which, for a person whose focus naturally shifts like a weather vane, is an ideal solution.

 

You may call me overconfident or just plain crazy, and I wouldn’t blame you for it if your impression of me was based on this post alone. I understand that you can’t just waltz into Warner Brothers and demand a seat at the writers table. Trust me, I’ve read biographies of many stand-up comics and I know that at this point in my life,  I’d never want to go through what some of them went through to get to where they are.  I guess that the best way to say this is; I feel like I have the capacity for greatness.  Nothing wrong with that.

What is wrong is that, if you read the list again, you may notice a certain pattern –or lack thereof– to the thinking. It’s the river of ideas that my mind follows. The career ideas are rocks that I jump around on, depending on what seems to be the most convenient or interesting at the present time. You know, and I know, and every motivational speaker on Instagram knows that if you want to get somewhere, you need to stay focused on that goal. My problem is that, of the 33 items on this list, I’m actively working on about ten. I have another ten somewhere in my  to-do list, and I dream about doing all the rest.

Oh man, did this just turn into another heavy post?

 

.

–

Let This Be The Toughest

Sometimes you need to be grateful for your own challenges.

I was reading through my blog post notes– the ones I send myself from my dictation app as I talked about a couple of posts ago. I have been really hesitant to put this up because it’s quite personal and really exposes my vulnerability. I’ve been told that, as a writer, I am not open enough and that I would benefit from showing more of myself.  Also, since I’m documenting a journey here, scenes like this are a very real part of it, though thankfully, they don’t happen too often.  With that in mind, I’ll go ahead and post this:

Not too long ago, I spent three quarters of an hour sobbing in my car. By sobbing, I mean the kind where your whole body is involved, lots and lots of tears, with the nose contributing it’s own fluids. There is gasping and choking. It’s not pretty.  In fact I think the internet has a name for it– ugly crying.

I was alone in the parking lot outside the gym– which I hardly ever get to, and definitely didn’t venture into that day. Thankfully, nobody saw me, or if they did, maybe I didn’t appear too approachable. I don’t cry like this very often. The last time I remember doing it was when I forgot to put my kid in a white t-shirt and send in a fruit for some themed day-care situation — that was about a decade ago. I was pregnant and working at least two jobs so I put it down to hormones and stress.  Prior to that, I remember crying this hard over a breakup. It was a bad breakup but, like so many bad breakups, good riddance. The common element between these episodes was, fortunately, not pregnancy, though who knows when emotion-inducing hormones decide to rear their heads. I was definitely stressed in each situation, but that’s to be expected. After all, we’re not talking tears of joy here.  The real common element was an underlying rationalization process.  Under the cloak of tears, my mind is racing: What’s happening? Why am I crying? Does the precipitating event really merit this outburst? No? Then what is causing me to feel so bad?

Concurrently there is a sub-thought process going on: I am so grateful for the things I do have. Nothing is terribly wrong here. Let this be the toughest. Let this be the toughest thing I have to face. Let these be the worst tears I ever have to shed.

I have a lot of things going on right now.   I’m trying to write an edit and make a living at it. I love writing and I love editing. I’m trying to build up my own business, which I haven’t really talked about in this blog, but it has to do with education and empowerment, and it’s something that I love to do.  I didn’t look so empowered making hoarse noises in the car that day — snot has a way of taking the edge off a power situation. I was, at that time, going through a renovation which is difficult on so many levels– a change in living conditions, keeping on top of the work day-to-day, managing all the people who come in and out of the house, planning, contending with surprises– things that I am grateful to have the opportunity to do, but which still cause a great deal of stress build-up.  Just the simple act of trying to have a meal is stressful because I don’t want to feed an entire crew of drywallers and painters every day, yet I feel a sense of responsibility to offer other people food when I’m eating. So I end up either not eating or sneaking food around my house and into my office to eat in secret.  Of course, then there is the day-to-day running of the family and the house and all the things that entails.  I also work in a couple of roles for DH’s business, and that work alone could amount to a part-time job. (In fact, if you add up all my  ‘jobs’ together you’d probably find that I carry several full-time positions.) But none of that was the trigger for this sob-fest.

The reason I started crying is that I found out I didn’t get a job I applied for which I really, really thought I was perfect for, and which was perfect for me, and which I thought I was definitely going to get.  It’s true, I don’t need one more job on top of everything else, but I would have dropped a bunch of my other ambitions if i’d gotten it– or at least I’d be able to relax about accomplishing them.  I’ve spoken about this before— that I need to be able to answer the question ‘What is it that you do?’ with a sense of pride and satisfaction.  This job would have helped me meet that criteria. Also, it would have gotten me out of the house and given me a chance to mingle with creative people. I put so much heart in to the application. I was dealing with my kids being home from school that week and  a friend whose husband was suddenly admitted to the ICU (he’s fine now), and still I pushed through and managed to submit a piece of work that brought me so much pleasure that I simply could not stop rereading it. Why didn’t they see what I saw?

Also, I know that I could have done the job really, really well. Judging by the job description, what they were looking for was what I do best. Still: Rejection.

On top of everything else, and I feel very petty acknowledging this feeling, much less committing it to paper, I am dealing with some serious jealously towards the business owner.  Why is their business taking off and not mine? My product is better! My personality is better! Good, old fashioned covetousness.

But that’s not why I was crying.

What really triggered my emotional outburst, though it took a few hours for it to sink in, was the fact that DH was disappointed for me. As in, he was disappointed on my behalf. Knowing that he felt bad for me made me feel the badness twice as hard.  We’d talked about it the night before, gone to sleep, woken up, dropped the kids off at school and then, when  the self-pitying thoughts were allowed to come in to my head, they took over and had their way.

Hopefully this will turn out to be a growth experience. Hopefully, one day I’ll look back on this job that I didn’t get and say ‘good riddance’.  I have been trying to channel my jealously into good wishes for that company, because their overall goal is to bring betterment to the world and not to screw me over. I asked for feedback on my application.  I am working on turning that frown upside down and using it to fuel my own growth.  Onwards and upwards.

Here’s another aspect of this situation to consider; one which turns this post into a Drupdate (if you’re unfamiliar with the expression, see here). I can’t remember which medication I was on at the time, but I’d just taken it that morning for the first time in two weeks.  I haven’t had an overly emotional reaction to a medication since adderall, way back in the beginning of my medication journey.  Concerta, as I’ve noted in the past, has made me a bit emotional, but nothing like this.  Could the medication have contributed to the outburst? Eight Ball says Maybe So. I did note over the days preceding this incident, that my mood would suddenly turn to blue– fleetingly, but strong enough for me to take notice.  Maybe I should have paid more attention.

I cried, and then I felt stupid for crying because I consider myself to be very even keeled, so I cried some more because I’m not being me, and then I didn’t go to the gym. A release of emotional constipation with a side dose of medically induced hysteria. That’s most of what I thought about and how I felt before, during, after, and about this episode. I did leave out a couple of things, but did the overall vulnerability add value to my writing?This has been a very difficult post for me to write, on many levels. Was it worth it?

No Way To Know: Drupdate

I was determined to be productive today. Just in case the meds help me to be productive, because after two years you know I’m still not sure, I planned on taking a dose his morning. The problem was that by the time I got it together to take action on this thought, I was far away from my stash. Lucky for me,  I know myself well enough to plan for this in advance. I had a little bottle of 10mg Methylphenidate in my purse. This is the same medication I would usually take, but the dose is lower and this formulation is short-acting. I got this supply when for the days when I forget to take it in the morning but don’t want to take the slow release too late in the day because it’ll keep me awake.

The directions tell me to take either one pill or two. I took two, which, if you’re familiar with my early should I/shouldn’t I medicate days. I figured that if it was too strong, at least it would wear off in a few hours.  I don’t remember if I’ve ever taken any pills from this bottle. I’ll have to count them up to see. Certainly, I don’t remember what effect it has on me, if any.

 That being said, I’ve been feeling a lot of acute disorientation lately. Like, in the past I wasn’t really aware that I was being distracted or that I couldn’t prioritize.  However, lately, I’ve found myself  wandering aimlessly or ‘waking up’ suddenly from a daze in which I wander about without realizing that I am directionless. I don’t know if I was like this before or if my radar is just much more accurate now for this type of behavior and so I notice it more. My fear is that these drugs are messing with my mind and actually making me worse. Possibly, this is a symptom of sleep deprivation, pure and simple. Or perhaps it’s a combination of things.

I was on my way in to the grocery store to pick up a few things when I took these 20mg.  I thought I’d be in and out in about half an hour, but it ended up being closer to two and a half hours. Why? Where did the time go? I really can’t figure out what I was doing in there for so long. I will say that I bought a LOT of things. I haven’t stocked up in a while and our fridge and cupboard were looking pretty bare.

Was I more focused as a result of the meds? Hard to say. I didn’t feel the meds kicking in, as many people describe feeling when they take them.  I didn’t feel them wearing off, so I don’t know if they ever did. They may or may not have curbed my appetite; I was sucking on a coffee the whole time I was in the store, so that might have masked it.  Also, it ‘s difficult to measure my productivity in the grocery store. I wasn’t wasting any time, but then again, it did take me five times as long as I thought it would. If I’d been sitting at my desk after I took it or at any point while I was still supposed to be ‘on’ it, I might have a better point of reference of the drug’s effectiveness.

 

When you make a big purchase, it takes a long time to pack up into bags. It is difficult balancing those bags on the way to the car. It takes ages to get them in the house, and it took me about an hour to get everything put away because of the amount of stuff and because I needed to repackage some items for freezing. Then I spent some time cleaning and organizing my kitchen and some parts of the basement which have been neglected for months…. and then it was after 2pm.

Where did the day go?

I was very excited for today– it is the first time in many many weeks, due to changes in kid’s and DH’s schedule that I get ‘my day’ when DH picks up the kids and I can stay working on my own projects as late as I want or need to. Ideally, I should be able to spend all day doing this, and when I headed in to the grocery store, I fully intended to devote most of my day to my own enterprises. In fact, I ended up getting down to work in my friend’s studio, due to assorted delays, only after 4pm.

Where did my day go?

I didn’t accomplish as much as I’d hoped to today. I’d had such high hopes. I’d meant to sit down and map out my activities for the next few weeks.  Instead I wrote three blog posts– which is good, but it should have been a warm-up for the rest of the day.  The day is now over.  I’m not much further ahead than when I started.

This is kind of a depressing conclusion for this post, but I feel optimistic about making a lot more progress in the weeks to come.