But I Digress

The Daily Post, a service which pops up whenever I log in to WordPress, has a Prompt Idea feature which Prompts an Idea for you to blog about. Today’s Prompt Idea is:

Embarrassing

Why am I all of a sudden interested in, not just posting again after weeks of going post-free, but  participating in this project? Good question.

The answers are as follows, and yes, they are in a very particular order…

  1. I logged on to WP today because, after a conversation with my husband about the reality of book publication, we came to the conclusion that getting a non-fiction book published today– like, actually published old-school with an agent and a publishing house– is largely reserved for people who are already established and well-known in their own right.  I’m not a celebrity, I’m not a media insider, I have not committed any crimes, unless you count the tardiness of my census form (they had to send someone to my door before I got a move on it).

Bloggers, however, have occasionally scored book deals, and for good reason; as evidenced by their millions of followers, they’re very readable and, the logic follows that since so many people already know about them, they come with a built-in customer base.   With that in mind, I decided to start using some of the hundred-plus pages of notes I have written for the purposes of the book and adapt them to this blog. I will of course, as I am doing right now, put in some spontaneous material.

SURPRISE!

See? I very spontaneously said ‘surprise.’  Of course, because you are an avid follower of my blog (FOLLOW ME FOLLOW ME HELP ME GET A BOOK DEAL)
you will know that stream-of-conscious writing is my default and that plenty of thoughts and reflections and photos of my slowly-evolving to-do board will be posted in regular intervals.

2.  I have ADD. Adult ADHD. This Prompts Idea thing caught my attention a couple of hours ago and I went with it.  Here’s how The Adult with ADD/ADHD ‘does’ something. Actually,  for comparison sake, let’s first talk about how an adult sans ADD/ADHD does something:

  1. they decide to do something now
  2. they start
  3. they keep going
  4. they finish
  5. they move on to something else.

When an adult with ADD/ADHD decides to do something, this is generally how it goes:

  1. They decide to do Something now.
  2. They start
  3. They decide to look something up online (strictly in relation to the Thing that they are Doing)
  4. They follow a link on the page where they’ve looked up the thing strictly relating the Thing.
  5. They notice that there are too many tabs open on their browser.
  6. They flip through the tabs, closing the ones that are superfluous and arrive at their WhatApp Web app.
  7. They post a funny comment to an ongoing WhatsApp conversation where their fellow ADD/ADHD adult friends congregate, not with the sole purpose of distracting each other from their work, but with the constant effect of distracting one another from their work.
  8.  They get hungry
  9. They browse the fridge
  10. While waiting for the kettle to boil, they decide to call that person they’ve been meaning to call,  so as not to waste precious time.
  11. On their way to retrieve their cell phone (from the bathroom where they left it) they notice a pile of clothes that need to be washed before tomorrow.
  12. They take the pile of clothes to the laundry room
  13. They start to finish (mostly finish) organizing the tool box, which is kept in the laundry room– a job they started the night before but then forgot about.
  14. They remember about the phone and calling that person they meant to call.
  15. They find the phone, determined to really call that person this time and not forget not forget and not forget and not forget.
  16. They unlock the phone using the code they installed so that the kids won’t waste time  or battery life of their phone, because kids just don’t understand how precious time really is.
  17. They notice that a new e-mail has come in.
  18. They open the e-mail. Someone has sent them a link to an article on Organizing Your Life. They decide, in the interest of time, to save it for later.
  19. They decide to see if Mindy Kaling has posted anything new on Instagram because she is hilarious and beautiful and she lights up their life. They check Twitter. They open links to interesting articles but, in the interest of time, save them for later reading. They check their other e-mail. They figure they can play a few rounds of DOTS– just until they break the 250 points mark.
  20. They break the 250 points mark and then decide to play for 5 more minutes.
  21. They get a phone call. It’s from their husband. They rush back to their desks where 7 Pinterest windows are still open on their browser.
  22. They bravely ignore the Pinterest windows, open the Word file they’ve been working on, and answer the phone. “Yes, Hi Honey. Yup, I’m just working on something here… Yep, I’ll get the kids. Oh is it 3:30 already? Yep, I’ve just got to make these last few minutes count so I’ll call you back later, ok? Love you.”
  23. They hastily get back to the Thing and work on it furiously for 15 minutes, accomplishing more than they have in the past 3 hours.

Remember, the scenario above is completely theoretical and should not be mistaken for a list of events that has actually happened to the author of this blog or  to any other person with ADD/ADHD. But you get the idea of how an ADHD mind functions.

Besides, I generally only stop playing DOTS when the phone runs out of battery.

(To summarize, the anonymous ADD-er in the above scenario has neglected to: Spend adequate time on their intended project, find the information they started looking up online, eat lunch, make coffee, do their laundry, organize their tools, call that person. Wow, as I write this, I am quite honestly astonished.  The amount of unresolved things in my life — I mean, in the life of a typical ADD-diagnosed individual — is even worse than I thought. Fodder for a whole blog post.)

3. I am in a little bit of a slump in my book writing and sometimes it’s good to have some inspiration to get me going. Of course, I ended up doing this all day and not tending to my book.

But I digress. Maybe that should be the name of my blog. Or my book. “But I Digress – Thoughts from the Blogger behind WordWile.”

You might be wondering what the connection of all this is to the Daily Prompt theme of Embarrassing. I’ll tell you.

  1. It is embarrassing to learn that I do not have a handle on the correct spelling of the word embarrassing. Saved once again by the squiggly red line. Two ‘R‘s two ‘S‘s. Got it. Two ‘R‘s two ‘S‘s. Two ‘R‘s two ‘S‘s.
  2. At one point, I tried to do the whole blogging/google ads/make big money from home thing. I had a breastfeeding blog and a pregnancy blog.  At that time, about 8 years ago, I was learning a lot about SEO and online marketing– you know, trying to drive views to my site. But so much has changed now. You can’t just stick your link in the comments of any old site and hope Google won’t notice that you’re trying to undermine the integrity of their search.  Just now, I tried to shamelessly promote this blog in the comments section of the Mashable article I linked to above.  The article,  (in case you’re not ADD and did not read the post) is about blogs-turned-book. Here is a screenshot of what I wrote.

mashable

I’m not completely out of the loop. I figured that I’d have to sign in or create a profile or mail in a blood sample or something in order to get my comment posted, and that my comment will be one of dozens, if not hundreds.  That button got me to a second screen which asked me which social media outlet I would like to sign up through. I chose Twitter, since it’s the one I use most frequently, and it’s connected to my old blogs and I still have followers from the Mommy Blogosphere. It’s not unusual for an app to link your social media account to their sign-in feature– presumably for ease of access, but I never expected this:

mashable_

Mashable wants to be able to update my profile and post Tweets on my behalf? Am I missing something here?   Perhaps these are broad terms for a more specific kind of behaviour that I am supposed to understand because I am, ostensibly, a Mashable reader– why else would I be posting comments on their site? However, when I invite people to my house for lunch, I don’t necessarily present them with a key an invite them to redecorate. I expect them to come, eat and leave.  I don’t expect them to propose a shared bank account. Is this what Mashable is trying to do? Merge my social media with their own? To what extent?

You see? Mashable is a mainstream media outlet and I have no clue, right now, what they’re all about. It’s embarrassing! And I spelled that word wrong again! It’s embarrassing!  (Two ‘R’s two ‘S’s. Two ‘R’s two ‘S’s.)

3. But really, let’s be frank.  It’s been all day and I’m still at this post.  That’s the embaRRaSSing part. This post is crazy long, goes in fifteen different directions, and does not really deserve the time I spent on it or, rather, the intervals of time I spent on it between sorting out my kid’s birthday party, fielding phone calls from various family members, bathroom breaks (this seems to be an emerging theme– maybe I have IBS and not ADD), and making plans for the weekend.

OK and Pinterest, WhatsApp and a few YouTube videos on how to create a heater out of tea lights and a terracotta flowerpot.  And the dangers of said heater. (Find the links yourself, lazybones! I don’t want to be your ADD enabler!)

I am embarrassed when people ask me what I do.  I say that I do my husband’s bookkeeping and administrative stuff, which is true to a large extent. But it’s not the fulfilling occupation I’ve always dreamed of.

I am embarrassed when people tell me that it’s OK, that I have kids, that motherhood is a full time job– all of which is true to an extent but none of which makes me feel better, especially because I’m really not a very good homemaker– but that’s a post for another time. I love and value my family, and I would never trade any of that aspect of my life, but I am left wondering if I couldn’t have gotten myself to this stage with my career intact.

I’m embarrassed that I have not fulfilled the potential that I’ve always believed myself to be capable of, that I’ve let so many opportunities slip past. That there are so many abandoned and unfinished projects in my wake.  I am embarrassed because other people have done it– people with whom I am comparably intelligent, motivated, educated.

I’m tired of dreaming about what I want to be when I grow up. I grew up but ended up, for a variety of reasons– some better and some worse– leaving some of the important dreams behind.

And for those reasons, I am embarrassed.

Two Rs. Two Ss.

Embarrassing

 

 

 

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